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I started shaving when I was ten. That was five years before puberty. I had smooth boy-skin, and my inexplicable sideburns were a threat to anything sharp. Back then, it was dad’s disposable blue Bic razor, dry. I bet you didn’t know that these razors are called “Blue II” in the US, and “Prestobarba” in South America.

Apparently there’s a rumor that shaving hair makes it grow back thicker. I don’t know about that, but whatever I did, I ended up being hairier than the Goddamn Sasquatch.

When I hit puberty, I began getting hairs on my chin, about which I was totally stoked. I grew a pathetic chin-beard that displayed my 18-year-old machismo. It looked like I tripped and fell face-first into a sticky tub of pube-trim.

I entered college with a turkeyneck from all the munchies in which I had partook. I was fat. Attached to my turkeyneck was the chin-beard. By this point, I had upgraded from the shitty blue razors to the much more expensive and incredible “Gillette Sensor.” You wouldn’t be able to tell it, though, since my shave was terrible and my face and neck looked like it was harboring a substantial population of scabies. This was due to my horrendous shaving technique, which went like this:

1. Grab razor
2. Splash water on face
3. Shave face and neck as rapidly as possible
4. Shower
5. Inspect face in mirror
6. Masturbate

I masturbated because I couldn’t get chicks. I couldn’t get chicks because my face and neck hygiene was unacceptable. The turkeyneck wasn’t helping either.

There was a statistics professor at UCI whose name escapes me. Because of his silly attire and drunken swagger, he reminded me of the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. He would wander all around the class while he lectured, gazing off into the distance. I liked it. Despite my heterosexuality, I noticed he also had the closest shave of all-time. One day after class I asked how he did it. He looked at me like I’d asked him for a handjob or something. I stood there, awkwardly awaiting an answer. “I wash my face first,” he reluctantly confessed. This was no help.

Unbeknownst to my parents, I took out student loans to help fund my beer consumption. I was rich. It was time to move on from the Gillette Sensor to the Gillette Sensor Excel. The Excel was the same as the Sensor, except for a strip of concentrated mucous above the blades that slithered along my face. My appearance improved very little. But in some miraculous turn of events, I had managed to lose most of the turkeyneck, even though I was drinking beer by the gallon. Girls started noticing me, but I still had razor-burn and goiters all over my neck.

After a few months of sporting goiters, I got serious about my hygiene and upgraded to the Gillette MACH 3 razors, even though they are more expensive than a coke habit. I stuck with them. The MACH 3 razor has three blades and is designed by NASA. It is the Ferrari of razors. Recent inventions offer even more blades, but three seems to be plenty; and it works. You can also get some vibrating shaver piece of crap, but I don’t recommend that.

I always liked MAXIM Magazine. With the subscription I purchased in college came a “Guide to Being a Man.” It had the best shaving guide I ever read. What it more eloquently stated than my homophobic professor was that you should wash your face with HOT water BEFORE you shave. This is true. Also true and included in the guide was that you should NEVER shave against the direction of the hair. One time my friend Christian did that, and it left his face looking like Minesweeper after you click a bomb.

There was some more stuff included in the MAXIM Guide, most of which I will include here:

Dave’s 12-Step Guide to Shaving Proper-Like

1. Wash your face with HOT water BEFORE you shave–it opens pores and softens skin. Showering is best. When you’re done with the shower, keep your face hot and wet, like David Hasselhoff. I even keep the bathroom door shut after the shower, so my face stays ready. I recommend having a roommate’s t-shirt handy for wiping the mirror.

2. ALWAYS use something to lubricate your face (shaving cream or soap). Gels work well too, and come in different varieties for “sensitive skin,” or “moisturizing.” There is no difference between any of these. I don’t know if KY Jelly works, but hey, if you’re in a “jam,” give it a shot. Some people recommend using a brush to get the hairs to stand up, but that’s for weenies.

3. Use a newer razor. If the razor tugs on your hair or rips your face apart, try a new one. MACH 3 razors last me about ten shaves, which is like 25 cents every time I shave. Pretty ridiculous. If I shaved three times a week, it would cost me something like $12,000 a year in razors.

4. Before you begin shaving your face, try a test-stroke on your arm, the top of your head, or your roommate’s cat. This ensures that the razor is sharp and functioning properly.*

5. Begin shaving your face. MAXIM said something about starting with the sideburns, then the neck, then mustache, but that’s a bunch of crap. Go in any order you want. The way to go here is to use slow, longer strokes, in the same direction of the hair. Rinse the shaven hairs out of the razor frequently. If that thing gets clogged, it’ll munch your face up like Lindsay Lohan munches up pharmaceuticals.

6. NEVER go against the direction of the hair. You can shave perpendicularly to the direction, but not against. If you don’t believe me, go for it. And send pictures of the results.

7. Don’t stretch your skin. You might think you can get a closer shave that way, but it doesn’t matter what you think. When I’m shaving my neck, I mash my chin into my neck so I have a fascinatingly ugly triple-chin. This allows for a close shave, and is humorous.

8. Check your sideburns. If you don’t pay attention, you will have one way longer than the other. If this happens, you have officially blown it. I recommend starting low on the sideburn and then working your way up, paying attention that the other side looks the same. If you start high and mess up, you will end up shaving that thing all the way upside your head. The cut of the sideburn is important. It should be horizontal or angled downward toward your mouth. If you angle up toward your eyebrows you will resemble Macaulay Culkin and you will get no chicks.

9. When you finish, rinse your face with the coldest water you can. Not only is this unpleasant, but it magically closes your pores and sucks the hair back into your face. This is the step that I forget 15% of the time, every time. Forgetting this step leads to razor burn, zits, and internal bleeding.

10. By this point, if you are living in a bachelor pad, the clogged drain should have made it so you have a half-gallon of facial hair and foam soup in front of you. As it drains, the hair will uniformly coat the surface of the sink and infuriate any roommates. Don’t clean it up. This is a great passive-aggressive technique for revenge.

11. The cold water should slow any bleeding you might have due to your incompetence. If you are still bleeding, it is probably because you are drunk and your blood is thin from the alcohol. MAXIM and lots of other people recommend tearing a small piece of toilet paper and sticking it to your face where the bleeding is occurring. When I do this, it looks absurd. The bleeding will stop, as the blood clots in the napkin, forming a napkin-scab. Then, after somebody finally tells me that I’ve forgotten that I have napkin-scabs on my face, I rip the napkin-scab off, which starts the bleeding process over. Fuck this method.

12. Do NOT use aftershaves or lotions that contain alcohol. Alcohol is for drinking only, and is bad for the skin. It dries the skin out. If you really have to smell like Burt Reynolds, go for an aftershave that moisturizes, or pose in Playgirl. Wait until your facial hair is long enough before you shave it again. I wait three days, minimum. This is different for everyone, except for the people for whom it is the same.

*Just kidding about this step.

—-So there you have it. Hopefully you were able to learn something. If you have anything to add to the guide, good for you. If all else fails, grow a beard. Women, it turns out, are pretty much attracted to anything, even beards. With all this new info, you are well on your way to getting laid. Here is a picture of Jenna Fischer’s tits.

Before we get to the guide, here is a quick history of cheerleading.

A brief history of cheerleading:

In 1953, a lonely Chinaman business owner named Dong Chin was in dire straits. His two largest clients had canceled their sizable plastics contracts, leaving Dong with an unprecedented surplus of vinyl. In a last-ditch effort to salvage an otherwise failing corporation, Dong hired Dick Callahan, an American business consultant. Callahan had had recent success with Topps, a US-based chewing gum company who heeded Dick’s suggestion to include small comic strips with each piece of gum. (Topps, with the success of their Bazooka Bubble Gum, went on to become the largest baseball card manufacturer, well-known for including semi-chewable pieces of flavored cardboard with each pack of cards).

Dick and Dong concocted a clever scheme, built upon the success of Minnesotan yell leaders. Callahan named their idea “cheerleading.” Chin doubted that anyone would be dumb enough to pointlessly stand in front of a crowd at a sporting event facing away from the event, and he further couldn’t believe the notion that he would be able to rid himself of his extra vinyl by selling “pom poms,” the only man-made item more useless than toilet seat fluffies.

Dong was wrong. The scheme, while simple, brought Dong’s near-bankrupt plastics company back to life and established Chin as Asia’s front-funning rubber and plastics manufacturer, earning him the moniker “Rubber Dong.” Much like the success of the Backstreet Boys, cheerleading turned from a far-fetched money-making scheme into a legitimate craze that exploded in popularity.

“Rah, Rah, Rah! Ski-u-mah, Hoo-Rah! Hoo-Rah! Varsity! Varsity! Varsity, Minn-e-So-Tah!” -One of the first cheers, from the University of Minnesota, 1953. This pioneering yell was significant in that it put major holes in Darwin’s Theory.

At first, cheerleading consisted of short, cockamamie chants and yells. If you don’t believe me, just look at that crap above. Over the years, cheers have gotten progressively more incredible and fascinating. Popular cheers today include “El ee tee ess gee oh, let’s go, let’s go,” which, contrary to its inherent message, leads nowhere. “I’ve got spirit” is another popular cheer. This informative cheer enlightens those of us dense enough to not realize that cheerleaders have “spirit” by virtue of the fact that they are cheerleaders to this captivating truism. As a matter of fact, “Spirit” is the only requisite of being a cheerleader, unless “not being fat” is considered a requisite too.

Cheerleading is the worst use of time and human energy since Esperanto. But, cheerleading provides something extra to ignore at sporting events, because drunken, hollering bumpkins are not enough. In fact, a troop of quadriplegic waterboys would have a more influential role in their team winning than cheerleaders do, but hey, pot-bellied schmucks need eye candy.

In sports, a bunch of overgrown men fling around a ball of some sort. Scientists have no idea why, but this is entertaining to spectators; they will pay great sums of money to see it. Scientists also can’t figure out why if people don’t effectively cheer, athletes magically lose their physical agility. It is a proven fact that athletes’ abilities can be hindered and they become vulnerable without their athletic supporters. That is why we cheer!

If you think you have what it takes to be a great cheerleader, you’ll want to go to cheer camp, where cheerleader leader leaders teach cheerleaders to be cheerleader leaders.

Cheer camp is a wondrous place where you can learn numerous useless skills, including (but not limited to):

-Pom pom shaking

-Spelling one-syllable words out loud

-Makeup application

-Kicking air in unison

-Running to and from goalposts during extra points

-Perching on one leg like a flamingo and screaming (simultaneously)

-Performing one-arm pom pom military presses

-Pom pom waving

-Distinguishing defense from offense, so you don’t end up like this bimbo.

-Being held and thrown in the air by guys who are weird enough to cheerlead

If your cheerleader leader leader is worth a shit, she will show you a few cheers in cheer camp. What makes these cheers unique is that every cheer camp teaches the same cheers, so they aren’t unique. Don’t worry if the cheers don’t make sense to you–cheer camp is a place to learn, not a place for asking questions. Cheerleading isn’t for everyone–camp will teach you that. If you lack spirit, or are getting fat, consider telemarketing. Cheerleaders can be morons, but “fat cheerleader” is an oxymoron.

WHILE YOU ARE CHEERING:

-Be el oh you dee LOUD!

People aren’t interested in the sporting event they are attending, nor do they want to hear each other talk. They want to hear you. They need to cheer, don’t you see it? This is the reason that cheerleaders are closer to the crowd than the sporting event is. Shriek and chant loudly and in the highest pitch possible. Being good at a sport has nothing to do with athletic training or practice–those players need emotional support and asinine chants to inform them of the obvious, e.g. “BLOCK THAT KICK!” If you can’t think of anything good to chant or you forget how to speak, just shake your pom poms in the air. Due to their gratuitous nature, pom poms are great for distracting attention from the absurdity and pointless essence of cheerleading.

-Being Gorgeous

Contrary to popular belief, cheerleading has nothing to do with physical appearance. It’s all about supporting your sports team, and being there for them. But, since dolphins and cheerleaders are the most beautiful creatures on the planet, if you don’t have a blowhole and you want to be a cheerleader then you are obligated to be physically attractive at all times.

-Be sure to smile.

Smiling lets the crowd know that you truly enjoy standing around for three hours brandishing pom poms and occasionally jumping around. Always smile, even if “your” team is getting smoked. Your teeth should be whiter than xerox paper. It is imperative that you whiten your teeth at every opportunity. In fact, you should whiten your teeth to the point where they are almost clear in color. Your local drug store will carry Crest White Strips, which is the Mexican version of real $600 teeth whitening (the real deal). If you can’t afford the $600, get a new boyfriend. You will need to whiten your teeth every four to six weeks, or every 20 meals, whichever comes first. Note: most dentists will waive the fee for whitening if you “date” them.

-Boobs!

If you don’t have them, get them. If you can’t afford them, find a boyfriend who knows that it’s “what’s inside” that counts. Boobs are on the inside.

-Tan!

The only thing more relaxing than farting in a hot tub is the tanning booth, or death. But hot tubs don’t make you tanner, and death actually makes you whiter, so hit the tanning salon, bitchez! Nothing is uglier than pasty cheerleaders. Fat cheerleaders would be uglier, but they don’t exist. The first time you hit the tanning salon, briefly lay in the booth (two hours is plenty), to get a “base tan.” The base tan is a fantastic mythical idea made up by the sunburnt. Being tan prevents skin cancer, a white-trash disease that ugly people contract from other ugly people. So if you are a little on the ugly side, best to get to a tanning salon, stat. If anyone asks why you tan so often, simply answer with the truth: it’s relaxing, and good for you.

-Apply makeup. Then apply more.

Makeup is a multi-trillion dollar industry for a reason. Skin blemishes or not, people do not want to see your skin. Find concealer that is at least two shades darker than your skin. Liberally apply it to your face and neck using a squeegee, or, if you are feeling crazy, fill a cereal bowl with makeup and stick your face right in there. Any patches of visible skin will be obvious, and shinier than the makeup. Quickly apply makeup to those problem areas before you become nauseous. Mascara is helpful for the following reasons: . Apply it anyway. You will know you have enough mascara on when all your eyelashes are clumped together, leaving only two to three lash clumps on each eyelid. Lip gloss will make your lips look wet, which is important for some unknown reason. Lastly, the only ridiculous thing about putting glitter on your face is how ridiculously hot and sparkly it will make you. Sparkles!

-Being fat is not an option.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: If you even think about considering yourself the slightest bit chubby, it is time to lose weight. Women, especially cheerleaders, tend to view themselves as more attractive than they actually are. And attractive means skinny. Fat people have to continuously buy different clothing because they outgrow their clothes. You need to be the opposite. Bulemia, anorexia, diet pills, and cocaine are all good ways to shed unwanted pounds. Be cautious when using cocaine–it is expensive. If any girls on the team are skinnier than you, it means you are fatter than them. Do not eat. Find a coke dealer.

-Hair extensions are not mandatory, but you will be ostracized without them.

It’s simple math: beautiful woman – woman = hair. Your hair is ugly. Purchased hair is not. That is why it is expensive and yours is free, and why hair salons are California’s biggest cash crop. Hair extensions are from India, where genetics are better. In fact, India is tied for the highest population per capita in the world. It is no wonder that the hair those Indians produce is the same hair from Pantene commercials. Your hair should be shiny and long, and in no way resemble your original hair color or waviness. Just compare the before and after pictures of this cheerleader:

-Flip Your Wig

Nobody cares that you have a bangin’ body; they are only looking at your hair. Well, not necessarily your hair, but the hair you own, on your head. During cheers, you should be maniacally jumping around and bouncing. During this time, your hair must be whipping around at great speeds, since this, not your tits or ass, is what guys look at. If you see anyone interested in any part of your body other than your hair, you must immediately flip, fling, and touch your hair (and the extensions).

-Stockings

Wear them. If you are lucky you might be mistaken for one of the Hooters Girls, who were somehow considered sexy during the ’80s. Like makeup, the goal with stockings is to have no natural part of your body exposed. God made man, man made woman, and then God and Maybelline collaboratively made makeup and accessories so women could finally be attractive. Nothing natural is beautiful, or how would plastic surgeons be in business? As a bonus, stockings will keep you warm during night games and prevent accidental tampon launches during high kicks.

-Attire

Cheerleading outfits have greatly transformed since the days of skirts and skimpy tops. Just kidding. Pretty much anything goes for cheerleading outfits these days, as long as the outfit is revealing and looks too small. Normal chicks only have Halloween to dress like a complete whore, but you have this opportunity every single game. Regardless of how skimpy your uniform is or how much attention you receive as a result of wearing it, it is of vital importance that you bitch and moan about how ugly the uniforms are and how you wish they weren’t so skimpy.

-Personality

Once you are a cheerleader, personality is key. Pretend to understand things that you don’t understand, like body language, nutrition, and men. Telling someone that you can “read body language” is very persuasive in their understanding you as an intelligent being. The great news is that you don’t actually have to read body language, you just need to say you can. Also, the only thing you need to know about nutrition is that sweets taste good, and that celery has “negative calories.” Can you believe it!?! That means that if we were to drop huge loads of celery over impoverished parts of Africa, they would eat it, and it would be genocide! This amazing factoid, not your tits, will make you the life of the party, and guys will pay attention to you and appreciate your hair. Did you know that celery has no carbs and zero grams of trans fat?

There you have it. As you can see, cheerleading is no easy lifestyle. But, if you follow this guide, you may have what it takes to be the best. And, if you practice hard enough and exhibit enough spirit, your cheer team could qualify to be in a cheer competition!

Now that you have read all about being a cheerleader, take the quiz below, which will accomplish nothing.

CHEER QUIZ: Which of these is a real cheerleader?

Answer: Only the fifth one. #1 needs a nose job. #2 is obviously too fat. #3 has no hair extensions. #4 is male. (An easy way to tell is that 1-4 all have their belt buckles slightly off-center with their vaginas [imperfect]), while 5 has hers smack center over her fishhole.

A while back, I considered being a doctor. I figured I’d be able to help people and make a few bucks. Then I learned of a pesky little process called “Med School,” where you apparently have to read a lot and wear silly white trenchcoats with tricked-out nametags. Fuck that.

Nobody has health insurance. If you do, I still feel sorry for you, because you’re either getting raped in the butt with fees, you are mooching off your parents, or your job sucks ass. I was hoping that with Obama we might get some sort of break on the health care stuff and that one day I’d be able to consult a physician regarding my fiery urination without having to spend my abortion money. But it looks like that Obama poster that reads “CHANGE” should read “SAME,” or “PUSSY BLOWJOB TAXI,” because nothing has changed.

So here’s the deal: rather than wasting my time getting a 2.2 GPA in some “Med School,” earning my “Ph.D,” and pissing my life away by telling people to turn their head and cough, I will do my part in providing you with the necessary knowledge and tools to remedy 90 percent of common colds. I’m writing it all here. So I give you:

“HEP C”: HEALTH EDUCATION PREVENTION for COLDS

Continue reading ‘-Trust me, you want HEP C.’ »

It’s hard to consider yourself a gambler when a bad Vegas trip is losing $1,000. This is especially true when you drove there with someone who lost $50k+. $50k is a lot of money, but the guy that lost all that money rolls with guys who routinely lose/win well into six and seven figures. So I bet it’s hard for him to consider himself a gambler too.

I’ve been to Vegas well over a hundred times in my career of degeneracy, and I still don’t consider myself an expert. Just kidding; I do. Continue reading ‘-Dave’s Guide to Sin City: Vegas And Gambling Is Now Awesomer!’ »

Anyone who doesn’t know about IRON MIC: Eli Porter vs. Envy needs to. Click and watch. And listen.

After intense searching on the ‘net for legible lyrics to this timeless rap battle, I decided to compile the document myself. Actually, I did one better–I explained what’s going on.

I recommend playing the video along with this document, pausing, rewinding, and replaying, as the play-by-play is very thorough and you will miss a lot if you don’t. And you don’t wanna miss this.

Continue reading ‘-Iron Mic: Eli Porter vs. Envy, Explained.’ »